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ParentingPanicButton » Job description for a Parent

Job description for a Parent

Wanted—Parent for a newborn, an infant, a toddler, a child, a pre-teen, teen, teen reverted to preschooler, young adult, young adult reverted to teen, mature young adult.

–Looking for a full-time, 24 hours per day care-giver for young person.

–Lifetime contract for the right person with no guaranteed benefits.

–Applicant must be patient, kind, steadfast, generous, caring, mature, responsible, flexible, ethical, willing to own his/her actions, thick-skin, good in emergencies, tireless.

–Must be impervious to lack of gratitude, entitlement, temper tantrums, lack of appreciation, shrill screams, being ignored, being blamed, verbal harassment, periodic name-calling, meltdowns of all kinds, mood swings, public embarrassment.

–Must be able to say and mean yes and no at the correct times.

–Must be able to authoritatively answer almost any question at any time.

–Coach baseball, t-ball, soccer, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, football, rugby and a myriad of other sports.

–Must work well with significant “others”, communicate well, not be a victim, not be a bully.

–Must resist use of physical, verbal and emotional abuse.

–Must like children, enjoy playing table games and reading stories, doing projects, assembling things you thought were already assembled.

–Must be willing and able to clean up pee, poop in and out of diapers, vomit, various substances coming out of a nose ranging from green goo to milk to blood, and a myriad of other indistinguishable substances.

–Find, pay for and properly utilize doctors, dentists, ophthalmologists, sometimes lawyers, and various other specialists.

–Pay for things that come up in the moment that you never expected and definitely had not budgeted for

Additional responsibilities may include:

–Having a well paying full time job to support a family.

–Be able to write bills with a crayon when no pen can be found.

–Keep house, clean house, and shop for food, keep a budget, take care of a dog and or cat you never wanted, pull dead goldfish from a tank while a grieving child is sobbing, plunge and clean toilets, wash dishes, clothes, exterminate rodents, ants and other pests.

–Create a meal out of scant ingredients.

–Endure sibling rivalry, verbal and physical altercations.

–Manage spilled milk, juice, ketchup, mustard, soup, mashed potatoes, rice, and chocolate sauce.

–Silence a baby or small child in a restaurant.

–Interview, book, supervise and (of course pay) babysitters.

–Interactions with teachers, principals, cops and other authorities.

–Manage multiple schedules, be two places at once, drive and manage children in car at same time.

Benefits and liabilities

No vacations for first 5 years

Sleep deprivation for first 2-4 years

No sick leave

No personal days


By Rick Concoff c2012

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