Instructive Criticism in Parenting Teens

There are times when you have to give feedback, corrections or criticism.  What if you are a boss , or a parent, or a husband or a wife, or a colleague, or a coach or a great friend? You love the person too much to not reflect your reactions?  And yet criticism spoken to unwilling ears is useless, regardless of authority or consequences.  And if it is spoken as a threat or a punishment, it ceases to be instructive all together.   Well, there is a way to do this inside the parameters of being kind, nice and compassionate.

It is called “instructive criticism”.  What is “instructive criticism” and why is it better than other forms of criticism?

“Destructive” or uncompassionate criticism sounds like; “You failed!  You suck.  You did that badly.  You have ruined everything. You are a failure.  Why would you do that?!”  Here you are reacting to something a person has done negatively, abusively and it will be harmful and generally unproductive.  Or you have maliciously attacked someone for your own gain or pleasure.   In any event, you have hurt someone’s feelings, and if you are the power person, an irreversible put-down has occurred.

“Constructive” criticism can, at its best, be construed to be helpful and somewhat positive.  In most cases, however, it is a euphemism for uncompassionate criticism.  Think about the last time someone gave you constructive criticism, and remember how you felt.  If often starts with a declaration of the things you have done well, and reveals it’s true self when the big BUT transitions you to the intended criticism.

“Instructive” criticism can, when preceded by permission and compassionate intention provide a venue for merging “nice” and “feedback”.  The first thing I suggest is to eliminate the word criticism all together.  I would begin by asking for permission to share some feedback.  A person can choose to accept feedback or not accept feedback if they don’t want it.  Perhaps they cannot accept it now, and could accept it in an hour or two or tomorrow or next week.  We have no idea of what sequence of events may have happened to an individual that may make him/her receptive or rejecting of feedback.  There is a time and a place for feedback and it may not be the random time you have chosen

By “instructive” I mean that the feedback is intended to acknowledge and validate that the person has done something a certain way.  It may be the best way, or the worst way, and there certainly were a number of ways the individual could have handled the situation.

In parenting teens, I have learned that after an event has occurred, perhaps even the next day, it is productive and instructive to ask my wife, “So, was there a way I could have handled that one better?

I am open to listening.  I knew that I blew it, and this approach allows my wife to skip the whole destructive, constructive criticism dance and move right into suggestion and instruction.

Your teen will mirror this model if it repeated often enough, and then everyone can use the acronym “W.I.M.P.”, ask What Is My Part?  Learning, repairing, healing and growth will necessarily ensue.

Rick Concoff c 2012