Who is the Problem?

People cannot be problems; problems are problems.  If, in our dealings with our children, we slip into a place where, whether or not we intend it, our child feels like we think they “are the problem”, defenses will go up, and willingness to deal with the issues will go down.  We behave similarly when our children treat us as if “we are the problem”. 

So how can we identify the real problem, and move it towards the middle?

Here are some examples:

Danny is inattentive and sometimes disruptive in class.  The teacher thinks the student is the “problem”. Danny thinks the teacher is the “problem”.  The parents think the teacher and the student are the “problem”.  The teacher suspects that the parents are the “problem”. 

Sarah is generally negative and unresponsive and unusually contrary.

You’ve tried everything and you are convinced the Sarah is the “problem”.  Your child thinks you never listen and yell all the time, and is sure you are “the problem”.

The definition of “ problem” according to the New Oxford American Dictionary is problem |ˈpräbləm|

noun

1 a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome : mental health problems | [as adj. ] city planners consider it a problem district.

• a thing that is difficult to achieve or accomplish : motivation of staff can also be a problem.

I see nothing rendering the possibility that a person can be a problem.  No one wants to think that they are the “problem”.  The “problem” is the “problem”.  By deciding that a person is “the problem” the “problem” is able to hide out in clandestine bliss.  All of our hours of arguing, fighting, resenting, blaming, accusing, and raging serve to keep the “problem” safely under-cover.

By pushing the “problem” away from all of the people, towards the center, we can identify it, focus in on it and see it objectively.

The “problem” in Danny’s case could be that he has not developed the skill to pay attention and has developed a “coping mechanism” of acting out.  An additional “problem” could be that the teacher does not know how to or want to handle that problem.  Yet an additional “problem” could be that the parents have been “micro-managing” Danny at home and accommodating and even “co-depending” him in such a way as to disguise the “problem” and prevent Danny from developing the necessary skills.  Maybe Danny needs an assessment.  Maybe the teacher needs to work to understand his learning style.  Maybe Danny’s parents need to help him by giving him more ownership and independence to develop the necessary skills.

By each party actually taking a look at the problem and what their contribution is to it, we can better identify and rectify the problem.

In addition, the moment you label someone as “the problem”, you have initiated a personal judgment that will tend to cause defensiveness, resistance, denial and hurt feelings as well as a diminished sense of self.

So here are some steps to follow in not falling into the pitfalls, and rather identifying and addressing the problem.

1-     There is a problem.

2-     What is the problem? (from each players point of view)

3-     Why is it a problem?

4-     How long has the problem been going on? 

5-     What did it look like before there was a problem?

6-     What is each individual’s contribution to or part in the problem?

7-     Who in the group has the possibility to help remedy the problem?

8-     What would you do to help remedy the problem?

9-     Might the problem go away if left alone?

10- What is a win-win, which is to say each party comes out feeling seen, successful, and like a real winner?

11- Describe what it would look like if you were to feel like a resolution had been found.

A win-win occurs when all parties on all sides of a “problem” feel heard, seen and acknowledged.  Some agreement has been reached which helps parties feel like the problem can be or is resolved.   Each person feels empowered and ready to move on.  

c2012 Rick Concoff